Cracked me up
Mood:  silly
Topic: Instant Message
My friend and I were using an online translator to have a conversation in French. Neither of us are fluent in the language.

ThatsZoidberg: Ce n'est pas pareil qu'un contact d'une femme !
TheModusOperandi: La bouche d'un m?le et la bouche d'un sentir femelle semblable, j'imaginerais. Je suis s?r que vous ne pourriez pas faire la diff?rence dans l'obscurit? !
ThatsZoidberg: altavista translator is timing out, but suffice to say, THERE IS A HGEU DIFFERENCE
TheModusOperandi: hahahaahahah
TheModusOperandi: hahahahaah
TheModusOperandi: hahahahahahaha
TheModusOperandi: rire rire rire

Analysis of Fear
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: First Draft
A girl was crying in P.E. one day. She was sitting on the asphalt, leaning against a chain-link fence. My friend Nancy walked over to her in hopes of helping.

"Is it physical, or emotional?" she asked.

What a wise question that was. You cannot help someone to feel better if you don't know where it hurts. And then you can only hope that the injury is curable, and not too severe. But then a headache is quite different from a heartache. What is it about emotional pain that makes it more awful to experience? Why are we more afraid to open up our hearts and speak in front of an audience than to jump off a cliff or climb up the side of a mountain?

I was sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend's car one night when I decided that I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I got very afraid. I suddenly began to ask myself all sorts of questions.

Why do I feel the need to tell him this? What is love? Is this natural? Can you really be in love at 19? Does he need to hear it? Will it scare him away? Am I just in lust? Am I just being a silly, emotional girl?? How do I tell him? And finally, the dreaded--what if he doesn't say it back?

As we neared my house, I became more and more afraid. My hands were shaking, and my heart was trying to race out of my chest, in order to avoid impending heartbreak. But there was no question in my mind that I wanted to let him know how I felt. I was terrified of heartache in the same sort of way that an amateur pilot would be afraid to crash. And fear can make you do ridiculous things.

As soon as he pulled the car up to the curb, I turned and lightly kissed him on the lips. Then I clasped my hand over his mouth as though he were a hostage and looked directly into his eyes.

"I have something to say, and I don't want it to change anything, but.. I just wanted to let you know...I love you."

He blinked. I thought I was going to crash and burn. And that is when fear took control. Quite honestly, I have never been so scared in my life.

"Don't say anything! Don't say anything. Promise you won't say anything!!" I whispered into his face urgently. I immediately covered my ears with my hands, screaming "LA LA LA!!" as I leapt out of his car and into my house.

I had just pointlessly parachuted out of a perfectly fine airplane.

That was several months ago. Often, I wish I could have given him the chance to say what he wanted to say--whatever that was at the moment.

Yesterday, we were spending the day together when he said,

"You make my endorphins happy."

"No," I corrected, "your endorphins make you happy."

"Nope. You make me so happy that you make my endorphins happy too."

It wasn't an "I love you," but I think it had the same effect on me. It was very healing. I realized that fear is what makes you try to protect yourself. But in the process, it makes you look like a fool, and it shelters you from all sorts of experiences that could make you grow.

Why and How I Write
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: First Draft
I've liked to write from an early age. I think it's because my mother is a writer and so she always encouraged and praised my writing. I don't think that I have any exceptional talent for it, but I don't think that I'm a horrible writer either. Usually, the only times that I am inspired to write are when I have just read the works of other writers. After finishing a Margaret Atwood novel, for example, I usually have a very intense inclination to write down and produce something as beautiful and organized as what I just read. So usually, my motivation comes from an appreciation of the talents of other poets and authors. When I was younger, it was easier for me to come up with things to write about. I think that I was a very creative and imaginative child, and I believe I have lost that. It bothers me a lot when I realize that I don't have anything to write about, because I don't like to feel that I have nothing to say. In high school, I was the editor-in-chief of the student newspaper, and I really liked journalism because it gave me something to write about. However, there wasn't as much creative license with journalism, because you have to tell stories just as they are. Today, I consider myself a very modest writer, and for some reason I don't like too much pretension or flowery-ness in my writing. I am not afraid to address difficult subjects, but I am selective in how I discuss them. There are many times when I read my writing, and for some reason, am annoyed with how many descriptive words there are. I sort of believe that a careful selection of adjectives shows a writer's ability to put down what is really important.

When it comes to how I like to write, I think that depends a lot on various factors. Sometimes I like to write when I am alone, and sometimes I like to write while there are people around me, and I can observe them. I am a big night person, and I think that I write most clearly and for longer durations during the ungodly hours of the night, or early morning. I have to be comfortable, and I prefer using a computer, although I don't mind writing by hand either. Also, I have to be focused and generally not stressed. Any kind of stress or work that I have to do will nag at me, until I stop writing altogether because I'm worrying too much. I can't really function when I'm worrying, and I tend to do it a lot. I simply do not like to write under pressure, because it's uncomfortable--but for some strange reason, it's when most of my writing is done. This could be because I tend to wait until the last minute to do things--an aspect of my character that I am not proud of, and am constantly telling myself to change. I know that I can produce a great essay under pressure, and I have grown to be unafraid of essay writing. As far as story writing, I think I have a very long ways to go. I realize that I do not always think or write in sequential, organized thoughts, and that is something I would like to improve.